A few months ago I was mistreated by some people in a game. Unfortunately in a game that is running on Discovery Channel’s ‘Canada’s Greatest Know-It-All’ . And it just aired last night. Now a day later people that mean everything to me have been nothing but supportive and for that I truly am thankful. I really really needed it. I’ll be honest I have been emotionally fragile since it happend. I just want to touch on something that has kept me up countless nights since the events unfolded.
After the show aired, I am right back to the anger, hurt and disgust I felt the day after all this transpired. And I am furious that I am letting these people take more of my mental energy and waste my time in thoughts. They are not worth my time or energy, yet I obsess over these events that I cannot change. UGH! You travel through time and can nerver return to those events so why obsess? I have had thoughts of revenge, how I could make their lives as miserable as mine has been since the event. But none of this serves me or anyone else and then makes me stoop to their level. I REFUSE to do that. But for some reason I allow them to steal my mental energy day in and day out. So I am writing this to hopefully shed light on my thoughts and maybe just maybe allow these toxic thougths to go away.
Here is a statement that now drives me fucking mental “But It’s just a game” Yes I swore and I am not retracting it. This is something that every time I hear feels like someone stabbing my soul. It is a shallow excuse for being a jerk. Period. It is never just a game. It is a window to the true person you are. If you are willing to screw someone over when nothing is at stake then what are you capable of when something of real value is at stake?
If you ever feel your self contemplating uttering that statement or even saying it you have just entered the realm of ‘Im a jerk’. Yes I have said it myself, I am human I am not perfect, but I will be doing my best to NEVER say that again. The only reason one would ever say this is to either try and smooth out an act of hurting someone or trying to console someone that has just been shit on. Either way it’s just not cool. Peoples thoughts and emotions are the most valuable thing on this planet. If you are willing to trade something of no worth for something more valuable than all the riches of the world, you are a shallow shallow person.
If you are trying to console someone who was just crapped on by saying it. Then just dont say it, it has no value, it does nothing but re-inforce that they have been screwed over. In fact it seems like you just might be justifying what the jerks did, you don’t want to be like them do you? Say something constructive like ‘wow you dont deserve that’ and give them a hug. Or do something nice for the person to show them that you respect and value them and their thoughts and feelings. Help re-enforce the mental wall of defence the person needs at that moment. If you have a small wall of defence against attacks like that then you end up allowing the people that did you wrong to win by letting them steal more of your time and energy in thoughts and hurt.
These things can also manifest into other things like low self worth. Because if they dont value your thoughts and emotions over a title then you must be less valuable than the title right? NO! They can also lead to depression, high blood pressure, and thoughts of…. well lets be honest, of hurting oneself. A couple months after this event I went to the Dr. with my tail between my legs, sad, depressed and physically ill. I let some jerks make me unhappy and physically ill! Dammit, what the hell! why am I empowering them with my well being? I let these people profoundly affect me in ways that I am embarrassed to say. Over a bloody game, a GAME!
But I should not be embarrassed. This was not my fault, it was theirs, it is their burden to bear not mine. Then why the hell am I carrying it? I wish someone could give me a pill to make it all go away. I think of things like revenge but then I would have to become like them and that is totally unacceptable. So I am right back to beating myself up for not being more valuable than a title in someones eyes. How do you deal with this? I honestly want to know. Maybe one of you can help me cope.
Anyhow those are my deep feelings about the event but not the reason for this post, so I digress.
Games show people what your true colours are in real life. Don’t ever forget that. Being a jerk, cheating, and putting people in awkward spots because you want to win something as shallow as a title tells me one thing. You value winning more than you value the health of others both physical and mental. It is never just a game, it is a window into who you really are and what you are willing to do in the quest for something as meaningless as a title. It is truly sad that someone would be willing to hurt another for such a little gain. They value words, like ‘winning’ of all things over someone else’s well being! Ah but it’s just a game right??? No it is not!!! If someone is willing to damage you over something as trivial as a title then what are they capable of when something real is at stake?
After a friend Chris Garrett had a read of this to help me decide if I should post this or not one of his comments really struck a cord.
“If there is one thing bullies (and those who hang around them cheering them on) like its seeing the victim hurt and beaten. It’s not enough to win, they have to see you lose. They will see weakness in your emotion.” And I agree with Chris on this point. They will feel like they have won after reading this. But in the end I realize that I cannot change their thinking but I hope that in some way I may change how you think. I know that this post has started a topic at Chris’s blog and it really feels good that my hurt can be used to maybe save others from some, that I am not delusional, and others I truly respect and admire have a similar view point (Read his article Is it just business? How to be Professionally Human)
Anyhow this has been very medicinal to me to write. And I truly hope that some might take this to heart. The world has enough hurt in it as it is. Lets do our best not to create any more. It is never ‘just a game’